Trap (poem)

Think of me as an Emo person? Here's something that will make you cringe or hate me more or pity me whatever.

XOXO
JenN

The pain I'm feeling now is almost unbearable;
It's not physical;
It's all emotional;
Wounds that you can't see, but you know it's there;
Wounds that people say will heal in time;
But is there any evidence of that being true?
The anger boiling in my blood;
The frustration threatening to tear me from the inside out;
I have to control it for my sake and others;
Yet,
Why should I?
I can't understand why you have to hurt me this way;
If you were anyone else I would gladly strip you out of my life;
But I can't, I'm stuck with you;
I want to hate you but I can't.
With everything that I've already been through,
I blamed it on the world;
But now I realized who the culprit was;
It was you all along.
I can't do anything, I can't change anything;
You've already shattered me beyond repair and you don't even realize it;
I can't love cause I don't know what true love is;
I can read it in books watch it on TV;
But I will never truly understand it.
I want all this to end but it seems like the only way I can is if I die;
I can't kill myself;
No.
Why?
Cause I'll go to hell for such a sin;
But remaining here where I am is the worst agony, a hole in my chest that only get's bigger and bigger;
That not even a thousand words can describe the pain I'm in;
So here I am;
Trapped.

What's this?

My birthday has passed 15minutes ago...they've been a lot of things going on for the past two weeks and I am to blame. My heart feels empty and my stomach feels funny. And my mouth is dry. And I have the urge to want to puke. I don't know what to do.
I can't sleep, I've been feeling down all day.
Is it karma?
I don't care who reads this; I have nothing to hide.
But I'm feeling confuse and definitely upset.
And I can't say it out cause it'll just confirm my paranoia.
When will the drama end?

HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY, RIGHTS!!

1st of all I am a Christian and most Christians are against gays; but! Even so we still do not see how society should turn their heads the other way when a gay or transsexual is in need, cause it doesn't change the fact that they are humans as well and if they are in need we should help them in anyway we can instead of ignoring them just because they've choose to e different! In the bible we are told to love all including our enemies. So people please have a heart even those who are against gays and transsexuals; open your eyes and realize that they are human beings as well and don't ever treat them as dirt! Think about it! What would you feel if you were treated the way you treated these people?

Please, repost this in support of your friends and loved ones who are. Love is not defined by color, creed, sexual preference, or gender. Feel free to add your own story:


I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the one working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the who isn't sure what she is. I am the who is rejected by her "best friends" because of a less-than-conventional crush.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson."

This is the boy, Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of brutality . Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. MURDERED BECAUSE HE WAS GAY!!!

IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS
AS "HOMOPHOBIA."

IF YOU ARE IGNORANT... IGNORE.




___


Thank you all for your support, favourites and stuff!!

She Doesn't Feel Right.

Last night was one of those nights...that pretty much explains a lot and also why I typed that poem; not only was I all emo but this time it's different, and I didn't even realize it until now, because the sadness that I felt from last night is still in me today. People say that tomorrow is a new day- well that is right. But- it's a new day of raw emotions filled with anger and hurt. Something just isn't right because I haven't felt this low for a long time now.

She's Cranky etc etc

I need my sleep...I don't see it as beauty sleep, or a time for me to recharge my battery...well maybe yah, to recharge my battery but I like sleeping and drifting off to my lil' LaLa Land~ in other worlds dream land; I like having strange dreams and all- but unfortunately in this house you don't get to sleep and wake up at your own convenience and Ginger is always waking me up around 7.30am and I rarely take afternoon naps maybe once or twice in a few months but I'm trying to take afternoon naps when I really can't stand it anymore.
Haihz...there's a lot of things going on in my head right now; until even I myself feel as if my brain is about to explode;
And this day couldn't get any worst...you know what today is just like every other day..a day where things keeps getting worst; honestly I've never had a day which I'm happy for the absolute entire day.
Tragic? I know.

Secret Stash Of Chocolate

I think that every girl needs it...or ice cream as long as it's chocolate flavor or chocolate chip we should always have some of it hidden; cause you never know when you might really need it. Guys might not understand why cause I guess it's all on how they deal with their heart...Well different people have different ways of dealing with certain emotions...and eating chocolate for me is more or less the safest way to make me feel better when I'm depress...well it's better than getting drunk till you puke your guts out, or blasting music and slicing yourself right? Violent..I know but it works for some people. Chocolate helps most girl deal with certain heart aches...it's not a cure..it's like a drug, the taste of it helps you forget what your feeling for a moment..

And something comes up to make type this-

I should be happy that I have friends that have found that special someone in their lives and their really happy now right? Well I am..just- guess a part of me is sad for myself...There I go again...bullshitting as usual.

I had a TINY vanilla flavor muffin..and an apple; for breakfast.

Oh No...

Whether we like to admit or not girls, females, woman we're all the same! We like being praised for our looks and ideas...And seriously it doesn't matter how "tough", "emo" or robotic some girls tend to be deep inside their soft; like mush mellow soft...And if we're not careful, we might just fall for someone. But here's the thing that separates females from male, you see males well most of them when they tend to fall for a girl easily and fall out of them as well; they move on real fast. But for us females it's a little different, we don't forget so easily..we always find good things about the male to hold on to, we don't give up on them that easily; which unfortunately isn't always a good thing. And the thing that really sucks for me right now is I think my crush on someone might just grow into more than a crush..and the person I thought I REALLY like...might just vanish without me realizing it.

Where Are MY THINGS!!!!

SOMEONE TOUCHED MY THINGS IN THIS HOUSE! YES MY ROOM IS MESSY SO ALL THE MORE REASONS FOR NO ONE TO TOUCH MY THINGS! I COME BACK FROM NS AND I CAN'T EVEN FIND WHAT I NEED!

Numb

I honestly didn't realize at all how numb I've become and what have been the caused of it..it's this constant feeling of pain inside of me that somehow feels like it's not there...I'm miserable I'll admit it I'll typed it out in my blog for the world to see I'll admit it..what's left to hide? I'm sure everyone feels the same...I know I'm not alone but in a way I am alone...It's not another phase in life..I know I need to do something to feel good about myself...I hated it at National Service..but when I come home...I don't feel the love..I don't feel wanted in a way..I feel like I'm a burden...and their throwing hints of expectation of hopes and dreams that they want fulfilled..I don't know if I am able to do those things...I'm not like those kids who are blessed with talent who don't seem to have a lazy bone in them..I wish I was like them..honestly I do..but I'm not..and no matter how much I wish I could be like them I can't, sometimes I feel like I've let them down...sometimes I hate them for turning me into what I am..I know what I want..at least I thought I did...but what I want..isn't what they want..someone ones told me that you have to be selfish to get what you want sometimes...but their selfishness over shadows mine...I don't blame them for everything...sometimes I do..sometimes I don't...sometimes I feel more hurt than love...but most of the time all I feel is rage..wrath...maybe it's from the hurts in the past..betrayal of friendship..sometimes at night when I'm alone the same conversation from a lost friend keeps playing in my head...I know sounds like something from TV..but it is exactly how it feels...I can still remember how naive I was...and how she sounded..she knew what she was talking about and she knew how the world was even at a young age..I just wanted to believe that everything was really that simple but it's not. And now I know...and I know it's only going to get worst..but already I feel numb.

Every time I hear this song..it gives me chills..not necessarily a bad thing..but it also gives me a sense of comfort..cause the lyrics is exactly how we all feel.

Linkin Park - Numb video (lyrics below)



I'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second I waste is more than I can take

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

It's GOLD! WTH!

OkOk...so here's how it all went down I was bleaching my hair so I could dye it red...since purple would mean I'd have to bleach my hair till it's white and do several treatment just so to keep my hair alive. So after the stylist bleached my hair me, Stephanie and the auntie figured hey why not just leave it the color it is since it turned out nice...and now my dad's nagging the shit out of me later~

Finally It's OVER! (Annoyed post)

Well finished my NS program today...would love to talk on and on and on about it but honestly I'm exhausted...I'm extremely tired...And I'm going out with Stephanie tomorrow but right now I feel like punching her...I'm cranky o yes I am SUPER CRANKY! And Adam's annoying as usual...Gideon suggest to go somewhere and in the end everyone has to plan it as usual...hmmm...I keep so boost...And one of my friend from NS english is well...yah bad...so damn hard to communicate with her..and cute Khye? From NS turns out to be an ASS! And I'm so sleepy and I can't f*cking get Stephanie till I'm too damn DU LAN! To even be nice...GAWD! Why do people even have phone's if they don't bother to pick up!!!!!!! Wow...I just got home and already I'm blasting at people. That's all for now.

JenN = CRANKY

Lazy?!

Wow...stupid moron calls me lazy! Bullshit! Come on for crying out loud she always comes home sits at the comp and does her stuff! And I have to do the chores! Even today! Hey she's not the only moron with a headache alright! I'm tired as well! As the matter of fact I feel like puking right now! And she says I'm lazy! Bullshit! So annoyed! So frus! WHATEVER MAN!

Anyway...went out with Stephanie and her sis today...bought a dark purple top from Purple Dots boutique...well at least it's not black lolx...and I still can't decide which color to highlight...haihz

I GOT MY GRANDE JAVA CHIP WOOHOO!!

M!sunderstood

Things I am mistaken for...how do I know all these? Well it's either people tell me or I hear them from some back stabbing bitches and jerks.
~ Snob.
Doesn't mean sometimes I tend to not speak with the "la"s and with the Malaysia slang and I end up having some American accent means I'm faking it...well I'm trying to speak PROPER english! And it's not my fault if I end up speaking with some american accent which I don't even realize I do sometimes...but I tend to speak differently with different people. But that doesn't mean I'm a snob as well!
~ Goth?
Everyone has their emo moments, but that doesn't make me a goth even though at one point my nicknames and in game names were either GothicPunk or GoThSx..means I worship satan, slice my wrist and go around embracing death..gosh! Every teenager goes through a certain phrase! And, so what if I find goths some what interesting..besides majority of them are artistic and very talented in poetry and are vegans! And I like gothic style...well not all but certain type..those with a hint of goth glam and Lolita's HOT!
~ Boyfriend stealer.
I have never stolen anyones boyfriend and I have no idea how to..doesn't mean I happen to date my bff's ex makes me a boyfriend stealer that's absolute bullshit.

Imaginary Claws and a gun aimed to her HEAD! (WARNING not for under 18 readers!)

Note: Just read it and don't ask questions cause it's better that way...and if you don't like what your reading please don't continue on...this is a post on how I feel and I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings but this is my blog after all and I have post which contains how I feel about certain things...And if I've cross any lines..my apologies.

She's-not-cute! Doesn't mean she's born slim with a belly and tiny breast and a hint of British blood if I'm not mistaken means she's HOT! Her sister is prettier honestly...and if she wasn't such a flirt and such a kiss up! and such a Oh, the opposite sex just adores me and they get all high around me! Then maybe I would find her looks OK. Fact is I hate flirts! Girls that use their sexuality to get what they want ALL THE TIME! Cause I do believe that there comes a time in every females life they got to use their sexuality to get what they want and need...but absolutely NOT and may I repeat myself again NOT! All the bloody time! Those that even bother to vote or compare their friends on facebook are absolutely not true friends at all! It's ridiculous to even think comparing your friends with each other is OK! Some may think oh it's just for fun voting on who has the best smile...obviously I don't fall in that category it's actually my weakest according to my so-call friends who voted...I added that application ages ago and never used it...just keep getting updates until I disabled the email sending and am too lazy to look for the application on my profile cause I have too many and delete it...Anyway...I don't think she's the hottest single..Honestly you don't have to be thin to get guys! It's absolute bullshit and guys that like girls who whine all the time are shallow! And for crying out loud GIRL! If you don't have at least a B cup breast or breast that are full cause most girls their breast isn't fleshy on the top...girls will get what I mean...wear a f*king push up bra...and stop talking about your f*king breast! And advertising yourself! Unless you want to get rapped by some perv anytime soon then please be my guest and continue the shit your doing! Sum it up this is a post out of frustration...Don't like what your reading...well ain't my problem.

Home till TUESDAY!

Sick...coughing lungs out...nose block...having hard time breathing...stomach feels funny...and seeing things blur...and because of that I went to ask for MC...and am home now for 3days...but going back on Tuesday because of Wesak holiday which in also another 3days and it starts on Sunday...and the Commander didn't give me my phone...MY PHONE!!! STUPID MAN!

I WANT VODKA!!!

Guess Cause I'm Sick

It's a feeling like things didn't turn out the way I wanted it to...or maybe it's cause I didn't want it to end...if I typed out what I truly felt then...I would be revealing too much...when the fact is every girl needs to have her own secrets...I hate how I feel right now...I'm tired my bags not pack yet cause my mom took the bag I was meant to use with her back home and she's not home yet...the bus is delayed...Can't help feeling right now like I'm overreacting it's just NS...I know I'll hate it at 1st..but I'll get over it I suppose as time passes...but I think that's not really the main reason why I feel so down right now...I need to say it out...but I don't think I can here...no, I can't...guess to some it's pretty obvious...but to others it's not...I'm tired...very tired...my throat is killing me and it's turning into cough...and I just feel down yet confuse...but I can still find the strength to smile about somethings...but not much...just somethings...

Thanks for the day out...Christine, Amanda, Gideon and Wing Tsun ♥ you guys.

- I TOTALLY HEART CARL'S JR. BURGERS AND FRIES!!!!!!-

-Gone tomorrow...last blog post for now.

You Don't Want To Be In My Head Right Now...

Feels as if my brain is about to freaking explode...I don't have enough of sleep...just spend RM120 on things that I absolutely need for NS...but trust me...I need more than that to look OK...not like a fabulous drop dead gorgeous bitch with fair skin and smooth pinky cheeks...or soft straight fucking hair...I'm cranky! I'm falling sick! And my AUNTY visit me for crying out loud! And Ginger's whining in her HIGH pitch tone and it's making my migraine bloody worst! And I can finally take my shower! Ate some fattening food today and I don't care if I can't fit into a size 30 jeans when I need a 36! Yes! I have fat thighs and I don't even know why I'm blogging about this! I guess I'm just drained...life hasn't been easy! And hey! I may be a moody bitch! And act like I'm fine with the world hating me but I'm still HUMAN! I don't think I get jealous of people often or envy even if I do...I don't hold it for long...Trust me there's a lot of things going in my head...and this isn't even half of it...and I don't even care if people read it or not...I'm just letting it out because there absolutely isn't a point keeping them all in right now...

-watched 27 Dresses today with Ryan and sis...LOVED IT.-

Friend Or Work

Which would you choose? Sending a friend off somewhere even if it means not seeing your friend for a few months? After all everyones busy and that friend just wants to sit down and talk before she leaves to a camp where she knows no one...or work...try reasoning with your manager? But money is always important so which will you choose?

Friend Or Work?

CHOOSE!

The Joy Of People COMPARING Me! In Facebook

What-the-hell? To the below

Here is what your friends think about...

... your strengths:

person with the best profile picture
person with the best sense of humor
most generous

... your weaknesses:

best scientist
person with the best smile

WHo the hell even got that idea to judge/compare me with such a thing? So what now? Your looking down at me because I didn't go into science class is that it? Ya, you can tell me not to take it too seriously but how can I not? Maybe you can but that doesn't mean I can...So whatever...I'm so going to kick some ass if I find out whose that smart ass that judge me.

Person with the best smile...FYI if I start smiling like I love running in the fields of daisies and green grass and singing with the wild animals and sharing my nuts with the squirrels then you got the wrong person...cause if I start smiling like those people that have something to hide with their ALMOST perfect plastered on smiles then I'm not Jennifer anymore.

Don't Know What To Feel

Just one of those nights where I'm left alone...alone to absorb everything thats happen to me and is happening and what will happen...it's not like I can see the future...some how I never really thought of wanting to see the future...just only that I wasn't born...yah I know this post is emo...but so what? I have emotions and that's how I feel...you may not think about the things that I'm thinking about now but that doesn't mean I can be like you.

The world is full of sadness and that's a fact, even those that love their life hate it at times. Sometimes I find that people that smile all the time are either dumb and they just don't get things that's why they smile or they just plain have something to hide...but who doesn't?

Then there's the whole not in a relationship that's getting to me...what's up with that! I'm suppose to be taking a break from it!